June 13, 2008


The Cabbie

Fridays are manic in Abuja, with weekend rush hour traffic. I was stuck in one of those trying to meet up a schedule when I got a call from my destination. I didn't have to get there any more 'cos they've waited, grew impatient and left. Someone would wait for me at a junction with what I was headed to pick. I didn't have to step out of the cabbie, and it was particularly mentioned that I could head back with the same cabbie.

The driver wasn't communicating. Our only exchange thus far had been negotiating prices. The humidity hung almost just above the head. It was suffocating. The traffic light passes just for 30 seconds and flies a bird, I mean shows the red light, again. So getting past wasn't going to happen any time soon. I was bored. I left my bag in a hurry so I had nothing to read. So I tried to make small talk. The next closest thing that came to mind was what I just heard over the phone. My bad sha, cos I guess what I said came out as:

"We go just turn and u go carri me go back"

He didn't say anything. I'm sure he heard. I tried to look outside the window, to get my mind busy with something, anything...just so we could make it pass the dang light.

As soon as I realised we were about getting through, I focused on the road again and to my utter disappointment, astonishment and chagrin, the dude made a u-Turn at the next intersection. I yelled a long-syllabic "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" and made him almost lose control of the wheels, cos he apparently was confused.

"I talk say when we reach there, u go carri me go back"

Cabbie (in Hausa): 'chiginigini, magana hamaman shrriinning'

yeah, yeah, I get it. And so we made our way back to the beginning of the traffic build up...


Later on....Brrrrrr! My ASS!!!

I sat down, bored outta my mind on the stool by the bar. I popped the cork and watched it rolll away from me. Something jolted me and I reached for it, since the cork says "Refresh and Win". Heck, it wouldn't hurt a thing if I tried my luck. 'Sides, I was bored!

There was a pop corn popper to my side giving off heat. The cork rolled as if pulled away from me by some invisible force, and all my lazy attempts to pick it up before it falls over proved lame. I reached out with more effort this time and scalded my right arm. Aaaarghh! Now I have no reason not to pick it up! Not after getting burned!

I picked it up, violently peeled off the protective rubber that stood between me and the information printed on the cork. I was anticipating a "Try Again...don't let the carbon/sugar kill you as you drink some more", but instead, I got:

You've won!


sms this number to 2653

Fuck me! Woohoo! My heart's veins, arteries, atria and ventricles all pumped 200liters of blood in one minute! I've never been this close to 'winning' anything, except in 199* when I picked up a bottle of free drink after chasing a Coca-Cola supply truck down three streets in my hood. I was so sad, I know.

So what could I have won this time, a day after June 12 in the year of our Lord 2008? A Kia Picanto (most of the promotions have these)? All-expense paid weekend trip for two to visit Olumo Rock? What what what!? I couldn't wait!

I jerked out my fone and quickly typed a message as directed and waited painfully, heart throbbing so hard behind my chest it felt like it was going to leap out of it any moment. I guarded the section with my hands.

Seconds turned into minutes that converts to hours and a text finally came in:

Sender: 2653

*dies, faints, wakes, dies again, convulses...stabilises

Brrrrrr! You are a winner in the Coca-Cola Refresh & Recharge Promotion. Your phone will be credited shortly with 1 min worth of talk time with MTN VTU.

So much for Brrrrrr! They deducted 10,000kobos from my credit balance and it's well over 360 minutes now and counting without the "1 min worth of talk time" added.

And finally...

...someone is trying his hardest to get me real mad and to unleash the dragon, like literally. He's had it coming for weeks now but I keep trying to act like he ain't there. I think I've been mellow for too long and I just need to give a side of me as it's never been seen. Perhaps it's cos I'm sitting idly now that these thoughts are coming up. Maybe I should feed it and get it over with once and for all. FUCK HIM!

What a way to start the weekend!!!

...Have a good one peoples...

June 3, 2008



Preacher's wife got tempted by a new dress she was trying.

The Devil said, "Buy it honey, buy it!"

Preacher's wife said, "Get thee behind me, Satan!"

The Devil did and said, "Looks good from this angle, too"

That's sorta what's been happening to me. I've been binding, casting, trampling, blasting and 'ing' as much as I can, but I guess my willpower has to be upped a little bit mo.

What's Up?

So I've been on a trip to Ogoja and Uyo. It's been fun. I have "Afang soup" leaf growing right inside me cos, dang, that soup is a staple whenever you visit down there; be it local joints or the fancy fast food places, afang soup is a constant in the menu and I've had my fill of it.

I'm scheduled to return there later this week for a weekend stint. I'll have some more gist when I return (I hope).

Is this a bank entrance or polling station?

I had to go make a deposit for a friend (A UBA customer). The razzness continues inside the bank. I got away with taking this pic!

Now time to go for some...

couldn't have enough of it since I had some earlier this noon.

Oh, and June around here is getting pretty cold for me but I can't complain for I've looked forward to a change in weather.

TTY'all soon.

Tonsil Trouble

You should watch it f you can handle the "humor"

Butters: Okay, but... what are you going to do?
Cartman: Kyle thinks that HIV is funny, so we're gonna make him look funny, and then he'll know how it feels to be laughed at.
Butters: I just eh... well I don't know if I should be helping you make Kyle look silly.
Cartman: Butters, helping people who have AIDS is one of the most imprtant things you can do.
Butters: I know, but are you sure Kyle has to be taught a lesson?
Cartman: I'm not just sure, Butters. I'm HIV-positive.


Cartman: We need two tickets to Los Angeles as soon as possible.
Clerk: Los Angeles. Okay, uh I have a two o'clock flight. That would beee... $400 each.
Cartman: Ah, sir, you don't understand. We have to see Magic Johnson right away. You see, we have AIDS.
Clerk: ...AIDS? Wow, that's really... retro. But ah I'm sorry. I I just can't give away free seats.
Cartman: Don't you get it?! We are two pals afllicted with an illness, and who only have each other in a race against time! Innocent playful children who are stricken with a dieadly disease for no reason!
Kyle: Oh please, no reason! I got AIDS from him!
Clerk: Oh, you boys are [sticks his left index finger into a tube he makes with his right hand and moves it in and out of the tube] like that, huh?
Kyle: NO!
Clerk: Are you sure you boys just don't have any cash?
Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.
Clerk: Ugh, we sometimes offer free seats to cancer patients, but AIDS I d-. Heh-hey Mitch? Do we have any AIDS patient policies?
Cartman: Forget it, alright?! We'll use another airline! One that cares!


Butler: Magic. Magic, could you come to the front for a minute? There are a couple of boys here to see you. Two brave little buddies who against all odds have journeyed across America to find the cure for AIDS. All they have are each other in a race against time. [Magic sheds a big tear and sniffs]
Kyle: [moments later] Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease.
Magic: You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?
Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.
Kyle: [quickly irritated] Will you stop it with that?! What part of this is funny to you?!
Cartman: Kyle, we need to find a-
Kyle: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?!
Cartman: [thinks for a few seconds] I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
Kyle: Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! [Cartman keeps quiet] This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, so shut the fuck up!
Cartman: [clears his throat] Well excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things... seem their darkest you just need to try and stay... HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I-
Kyle: Knock it off!! Right now!! This isn't funny! At all!
Cartman: [waits a second] Are you sure!
Kyle: [quickly] Yes!!
Cartman: [waits a second] Are you HIV-positive? [Kyle smacks him quickly] Aarrhh! Ow, fuck, Kyle! [begins to stroke his cheek]
Magic: Boys, the truth is I don't know why my body is so resistant to the virus. I would love to know so I could help others, but I just don't. [shrugs]
Kyle: Well I've been thinking: maybe there's something you've come into contact with that hinders HIV from growing. Do you mind if we just look around?
Magic: Well, not at all.
[The hallway. Magic and the boys pass varoius rooms]
Magic: The pool is over there [motions to his left], where I try to swim and stay in shape. My kitchen [motions to his right] is full of pretty healthy food. I don't know which thing it is that keeps my T-cell count high, so I... try it all.
Kyle: But everyone tries that. There has to be something you're exposed to that others aren't. Could we see where you sleep?
Magic: Sure.
[The bedroom. The double doors swing open and the group enters]
Magic: Just a pretty plain old ordinary bedroom. [before them is the four-post bed with curtains, and stacks of dollar bills everywhere else]
Kyle: Dude.
Magic: Oh, oh yeah, I. I don't trust banks. I sleep with all my money.
Kyle: You sleep with money. Every night?
Magic: Yeah, I like to keep it close b- ...You don't think that..?